Matches? We don’t need no stinkin matches

Because I burned them all in the first 16 miles.

The day of the Sun Trust Richmond Marathon dawned COLD! I rolled out of my comfy bed (thanks, Doozie & Dawn for hosting me!!!) and woke to a few text messages from encouraging friends (awwww!). After a delicious dinner of Pad Se Euw and bread pudding, the size of my a$$ was larger than I’d wanted but hopefully full of glycogen I could use during the marathon.

I donned my thrift store sweatshirt and vest over my fuzzy running shirt, put on some earwarmers and a beanie, and hauled myself in to the car. Double D drove me to the start, which was an extension of the Princess Treatment they gave me all weekend. Amazing ladies!!!

My running pants were rather fabulous; black with hot pink stitching. A gift from my Oakley rep buddy, Brad. They make my hiney look great and feel rather fast. Hey, I take what I can get these days.

“The Friendliest Marathon in America” is indeed friendly. I hugged a few skinny girls who were in shorts and tee shirts. It was about 35 degrees, and I am a Chihuahua in this type of weather.

Sidebar #1: For those not in the know, I met Double D in the Galapagos in June. Lovely, lovely girls who will be friends for life!

Sidebar #2: the crisp air and bright leaves make me miss racing cyclocross; the best sport in the world.

The start gun went off and I started Dawn’s Garmin (thanks, love!). My first few miles were around 8, which was what Coach Fred advised. The next few were in the 7s, and I knew I was burning matches I needed. I didn’t feel amazing (which is not the fault of the Thai food, but the fault of me hardly training). The course was lovely, along Monument Avenue and down by the James River on Riverside Dr.

By mile 13, I was exactly on pace to meet my 3:30 objective. I met up with a nice guy who gave me a salt pill and we chatted as we went over the Belvedere Bridge, which is apparently a mindfcuk. I didn’t really notice, and felt decent though not amazing.

Double D was on the course at various points, and I loved hearing them cheer for me! Also, the PeaHen made an appearance. I love that guy.

I grabbed a Coke at the “Junk Food” stop (sorry, Papa Pepsi. It was sponsored by McDonalds so whatchya gonna do?) and kept going. I was feeling pretty sluggish at this point, and noticed my goal times slipping away. I knew I’d gone a bit too hard on the first part, but a part of me says make hay while the sun shines and build an advantage over yourself. Maybe not, come to think of it…

Sidebar #3: I did run a marathon 10 years ago; the Columbia River Gorge Marathon. Read: Hilly and windy. I finished at a slow pace and never really felt tired. Ah, youth! So Richmond felt like my first, given the amount of energy (notice I say “energy”, and not “training”) I’d devoted to it in a year that had far too much sucking.

Mile 20 felt like forever to reach, and my lap times plummeted to Clydesdale pace. I was staying hydrated and full of calories…but the legs were feeling pretty heavy. I thoroughly regretted burning those matches in the first half. Thoroughly.

Mile 22, going into a lovely part of North Richmond and I questioned why the he11 I signed up for this. I plodded along, clocking an 8:41 mile (WTF???) and suffering. I kept staring at the backside of this woman in front of me, wondering why on earth she had briefs on under her running tights. Chafe much? Cardinal rule of endurance sports: no undies! These are the things you think of when you're cracking…

The last few miles felt like forever despite all the awesome fans and high fives and water aid stations and a million other reasons to be inspired. A 3:35 pace group caught up to me at about 25.5, and I struggled to hold their pace. Due to my laziness about situps, my core was hurting pretty bad from holding myself up. I had to pause and bend over in pain. I told myself I wouldn’t stop, but hey, if you’re gonna break a promise make sure it’s to yourself and not others.A glance at the Garmin, and I knew I wouldn’t achieve my goal. However, I knew I could make it under 3:35 if I gutted it out.

The turn onto Cary Street and I was counting the blocks; not sure I would make it the final 6. Scratch that, I was counting the steps. I sprinted (okay, I could have outrun a toddler and not much else) across the line and promptly lost my ability to walk. Pretty sure my a$$ still looked great in the pants, but everything else was pretty wrecked. Two very nice volunteers grabbed me and gave me one of those insulation blankets and a water. Made sure to grab my medal. Let’s not forget the medal. Don’t lose track of the medal. DON'T!

Double D and their buddy Mona met me at the finish with big hugs and support as I hobbled along. My hip flexors were in full revolt when I perched on a bench, and I had mucho struggles getting up again. Brutal.

Why did I do this, again? Even after great coaching (Tanner, Costantini, Burke & Eberle), I wonder what the he11 I was doing. I was pretty disappointed with my time, but I learned a lot and definitely want to get a killer base before I attempt another.

Final results: a slow 3:34:28. Qualified easily for Boston. You ready for 2013, Tanner?

And fcuk yeah I wore the medal.

Next stop: White Rock ½ Marathon. Likely to be much less painful on the body and more painful for the lungs, given my running partners.