Now that the economy is totally screwed...

We can return to more important matters. Like Mandy and her quest to contribute positively to the world.

I think that I may be growing up a bit. This is refreshing, since I'm closer to an AARP card than 7th grade English.

I realized I'd inadvertently learned some humility during the past year. And it's not the kind of lesson that comes with a nice piece of Humble Pie a la mode, gooey from the melting ice cream. It was one borne out of life experience and a bit of introspection and time.

You might recall that I struggled mightily with my new "identity" as student instead of athlete during the first year of my MBA. I pretended I transitioned and was focusing on cases, leadership stuff, interviewing, networking, tolerating conservatives, etc. Instead I wrestled like Svein Tuft wrestles a neophyte teammate during late-night cage-fighting challenges in hotel rooms after stage races. And I lost. And it was bloody and ugly to behold. Jonny got to see most of it, and in typical Jonny fashion; was endlessly patient with my rantings about the expanding hind end and chubby face that resulted from 20 hours of studying per day with zero exercise. To top it off I was a mediocre student at best, so I traded one type of high-level achievement (bike racing) for a pathetic academic performance.

Hard to swallow.

I did a MABRA cyclocross race on Sunday in Baltimore. It was a lovely day in a lovely park (Druid Hill) and lovely people were all around. I warmed up and dodged broken beer bottles and slightly-sleepy/drunk Sunday drivers and listened to some mellow William Walter on the Shuffle.

I talked to Laura van Gilder before we started. She is such a champ. I was stoked because she called me out by name. We raced against each other for a few years, but I always assumed that someone who was that victorious all the time (unlike little domestique Mandy) didn't know the pack fodder. But it's cool that she did. Perhaps also because she raced on Cheerwine for the two seasons after me and was around the same girls I raced and suffered and lived and traveled with (and loved. Let's not forget loved. They were all pretty awesome!). At any rate, we had a nice chat and I am excited to see what she makes of my favorite sport.

The whistle blew and I had the lamest start ever. And surprisingly it didn't stress me out much. I just worked my way through the field and swapped spots with a few chicks toward the end. I had a great time and heard the occasional cheer for me. It's especially cute when little Cadence Winfield cheers for me. She's about 4 but always remembers me since we've had some surprisingly serious talks despite the age gap. It's easy to know who I am because I was the one who was always getting schooled by her mom (Dede) back when I was a legitimate pro.

The result?

I am comfortable with the following statement:

I got 13th.

I didn't finish in the money.

Nobody interviewed me afterward.

I got beaten by girls who hadn't raced 'cross before.

I got beaten by girls who I used to beat by minutes.

And it was ok.

The most amazing thing happened. I looked down to where my prideful, intense, bursting and screaming heart used to be, the thing that had been driving me since I was 8 to seek and destroy competition; and found a peaceful little thing in its place. My pride just smiled up at me like it was no big deal to get smoked at a MABRA race. And it gently reminded me that I should get used to it.

And the ultra-competitive side of my brain said (and this was a HUGE surprise) "Ok. That sounds reasonable."

Because it is.

Am I done striving for more? For better? For new frontiers? Absolutely not. I am just directing it elsewhere. The bike racer who inspired a recent email like the one below doesn't just ride off into the sunset.

Date: 7/28/08

To: Mandy Lozano

From: Julian

Subject: another reason for you to return back to racing fulltime

Message:

a quote from a cx racer from taylorsville,nc that apparently knows you this past weekending @ the lenoir, nc crit, "of all racers in the world, mandy lozano has the best suffering face i've ever seen"...

Me, circa 2004.