Class is in session

Listen up, kids. Here is how to build the ultimate 1980s party outfit. Before I proceed, however, I must state that, for the record, I did not like the 80s all that much. Granted, I grew up in that era, but have no fondness (nostalgic or otherwise) for the fashion, music, politics, etc of that time. I have a soft spot in my heart for New Kids on The Block, but that’s about it.
The 100 Case Party at Darden is quite the event. People get to revisit their love of legwarmers and polyester. Girls perhaps use it as a reason to put a 2007 slant on some 80s fashions. I, however, used it to resurrect a look that was actually present in suburban America during the 1980s and not some glossy flashback of bad style. While a lot of my classmates cast a modern light on that godawful decade, I decided to go all-in and apply subtle nuances to my ensemble to give it authenticity second-to-none. The only other one who came close was Joey, with her awful upholstery-fabric evening dress that doubtlessly showed up at every holiday party from 1983-1991. The longevity of such a hanus style speaks volumes of the affection women had for high waistbands, pleats, puffy sleeves, and fabric that mimicked the African jungle. My outfit was some of the same, but it also chronicled a particularly painful episode in the lengthy saga of “America loves Denim”.
Yes folks, “acid-washed” is the horror of which I blog. Let’s break it down:
This dress, though $7 at Goodwill, is a priceless time capsule of the Reagan era. I couldn’t have done a better job with a Bedazzler and some puff-paint.
The ill-matching belt doesn’t synch perfectly with the darker color of the denim, which was a common pitfall of the 1980s fashionable Jersey Girl. She just threw some stuff into her ensemble and hoped some would stick. Flattering cuts were unheard of, and everyone looked pear-shaped…
Shoulder pads. Developed by Liz Claiborne in the 80s when women started joining the workforce in droves. I guess it gave them a more manly, assertive appearance. Whatever. Women's Lib and all, it's hideous.
The ugly white Naturalizer flats are formless and unflattering. Every 50-year old admin has a pair of these, much to my chagrin
And the crowning glory of the outfit: the mom purse. Genuine Top-Grain leather(?). You know that your mom still uses hers. I had no fewer than 40 people exclaim “oh my god my mom still has that fucking thing!” And guys said it, too, which speaks to the high level of authenticity it lent to my outfit. One gentleman even went so far as to describe the twist-clasp mechanism, all the while gripping his face in his hands in disbelief that this hideous relic of childhood still haunted thrift stores.
I would go into detail about my spot-on 1980s makeup (teal eyeliner and purple eyeshadow paired nicely with pink frosted lipstick), and teased hair (frizz included…the 1980s had yet to see anti-frizz serum) but I believe my work here is done.
Thank god that decade is over.